I’ve been 30 for a whole two weeks, y’all.
I would like to clarify that I’m quite content with the big 3-0. Why? I feel like I spent my twenties with Big Adult Responsibilities. After a brief, free, gorgeous college period, I spent the rest of the decade either worrying about grad school, getting into grad school, and then trying to leave grad school. That implies that I spent most of my nights and days reading heavy theoretical stuff (I’m still trying to wrap my head around Deleuze-Guattari’s rhizome…oh wait, I’m not!), trying to write heavy theoretical stuff (yuck) and explaining heavy theoretical stuff to students (ok, maybe it was the use of the subjunctive in Spanish but that’s a pretty big mindf***k in its own right). I barely went out and when I did, I either felt guilty for daring to have fun and left early as punishment or would end up in some drunken stupor powerful enough to knock me out for several days.
My twenties were bleak times. And not in the cool, “Oh look at me, I’m trying to make it one mistake at a time!” Girls kind of way but more in the whole “wow, I don’t think I’ve had another conversation with a human being in the past 48 hours.”
Life is exponentially better. I now know what I want. I’m not wasting my time on things that no longer fulfill me. I’m a woman, hear me roar. That’s basically my attitude these days.
The one aspect of growing old, though, that really bothers me has to do with friends. Not the lack thereof but the inevitable pulling apart that occurs even in the strongest bonds because life gets in the way. I’ve lived in three continents, six countries and nine cities. I’ve actually had to use my fingers to count them off. Wait, there’s more! My education was cobbled up between six different school and three institutions of higher education.
As a result, I have many friends. I’m also very far away from most of them. As stupid as it sounds, it has taken me a long time to realize that I will miss out on most of their major life moments and they will miss out on most of mine. Never mind the day-to-day details that really solidify friendships.
Unfortunately, I am constantly wondering where my friends are. And wishing I could see them tonight. No other song has captured the bittersweetness of growing old like this one.